The power of social media is a double edge sword. I was 'that girl' that held a .50 cent poster board with words written out neatly pleading my story to a public audience. Call me naive but I didn't expect MY story to go viral. But...it did. Within a weeks time my picture was shared over SIXTY FIVE THOUSAND times. Multiple news outlets around the globe took my story, MY STORY, and broadcasted it just to help me. A stranger. It was humbling and terrifying. I had hundreds, maybe even thousands, of personal messages to my Facebook with messages of support and willingness to help out in any way. It was truly a testament to the good that still exists in people. My supervisor admitted to staying up at night prowling the internet for leads determined to find this person for me. It was just amazing to know I had so many people on my side. It was crazy to see that numbers climb daily with the amount of "shares & likes" my story was receiving. As that rollercoaster made it's way to the top of the slope, I never anticipated how fast and low the drop would be once the rollercoaster dropped. Within a week and a half I was contacted by Inside Edition, I politely declined. I had a very promising lead and I didn't want to ruin my chances. The funny thing about news outlets such as Inside Edition, they don't care what you say they're after 'the story' and unbeknownst to me, they had already contacted the man that was suspected to be my biological father. I was contacted by the person that had given me the lead and let me know what happened and how upset this man was that this was so public. I was angry. I was devastated. How could I contact him now knowing he probably assumed I was an attention whore? I never expected any of the attention that I was receiving.
It was a week before my 33rd birthday when my iPhone registered a phone call from a "Blocked Number". It literally said "Blocked Number" and I was a bit skeptical. I wouldn't answer it being that I had received multiple phone calls from news agencies all over the US & UK. An hour later the number called again. I asked my husband to answer and tell whoever it was that I was not taking calls. I overheard the voice on the other end. I knew this wasn't a news-station. This was HIM. I immediately took the phone. I had a hard time pronouncing the simple "Hello" so he would know I was on the line. He spoke the words...
"Jennifer? This is _____. Crazy huh?"
All of my life I imagined what that moment would be like. I wasn't quite sure what I was expecting but it sure wasn't what was about to go down.
I won't go into great detail at this time but at one point in the conversation I was told "You ruined my life."
"YOU RUINED MY LIFE"
Have you ever heard that words hold power? I never put much thought into that until those four words were spoken into my ear and broke my heart into a million tiny pieces. Right there, on my bedroom floor, I cried for the little girl that always wanted to know what her father looked like. I cried for the teenage girl that wondered if her dimple was a physical trait she inherited from her father I cried for the woman I was at that moment feeling completely gutted and broken.
As if I was grieving a death, I experienced many emotions after that day. One day I would be so consumed by sadness that it was a real chore dressing every day. Other days I was so angry that I wanted to punch something or someone. I would justify his reaction one day and the next I was so pissed off I wanted to call him again and use the voice I lost to fear the day he called -- to tell him what a jerk he was.
In that conversation he told me I was to get everything off the internet. He was willing to talk to me but I had to get everything removed from the internet. He said he would call again in one week but I had to contact Google and have everything taken down. I tried to explain that I didn't think this was possible but I would try my best. I did as he asked to the best of my ability. I took down everything on my Facebook page. I declined all news interviews. I declined that film company that wanted to help me find my father, because remember, we didn't do a DNA test to determine if this man accusing me of ruining his life was my father. I tried to disappear like a thief in the night online and just let the story die down. I didn't want to cause anymore ripples in his perfect family life. I was giving this stranger my word because the last thing he told me was he was a 'man of his word' and he would call me again to discuss this further. I was the idiot that believed he was actually a man of his word.
I gave him way too much power. I gave those words power.
This is my road to recovery. This is my taking back the power. This is ME, completely flawed and imperfect, taking back my life. I hope that through this blog I may be able to heal and possibly help others in some way. We all want a happy ending but the truth is life, REAL LIFE, isn't always rainbows and butterflies.
Until next time...
I am so sorry to hear that he did this to you. I, too, had my biological father walk away from me when I was 9. He chose his girlfriend, who didn't like me, over me. I struggled for many years with this as well. I'm now 32, married with 3 kids. My biological father passed away recently and I had many people contacting me telling me I needed to go see him and get to know him, but he personally never asked to see me. I, also, knew in my heart I had nothing nice to say to him at all. He was sick and dying I didn't need to add fuel to the fire. He also has other children that have no clue who I am, and married the woman who told me to my face I was a burden and she hated me. No need to stir up a mess before he passed. And truth be told I was afraid he would tell me he never wanted me. My mom married and I had always called him dad because he was the only consistent father I ever had, he eventually adopted me. He was at my wedding and all 3 of my kid's births. I am very blessed to have the dad I do have. I have over come the feelings of being unwanted and unloved over the last few years. Please feel free to contact me at anytime to just talk. Jdurham429@yahoo.com.... I am truly blessed to have the family I do that chose to stand by me. And part of me is thankful he walked away.
ReplyDeleteSinverely,
Jenni
Jenni - Thank you for taking the time to share your story with me! I'm so happy to hear you've got such a support system and a loving family. I do believe that is vital. Rejection isn't easy in any context but especially when it's a parent.
DeleteHello Jenn. I enjoyed reading your blog. A friend (Marilyn) sent it my way as she knew we would have things in common. I enjoyed reading and at the same time, I felt the pain you must have endured being yet again, rejected. You mention **regaining power** **not giving that person power**. You are right. Sometimes, people try to forget **mistakes** or **mishaps** of their past and sometimes those mistakes or mishaps come back in the form of a grown up daughter or son looking for answers. You did nothing wrong in your search and you did nothing wrong making it public. Of course you are going to make it public as you are looking for answers. You are making it public because you want others to guide you or console you are help you obtain those answers. The man who you found to be your father may think you are **ruining his life** when in fact, he has not come to terms with who you are and why, at such a late date when his life is **either all tidy and neat** or **in a turmoil with more problems than he can handle**. Then one day, here you are looking for the truth...........and here he is thinking........oh God why now? My answer to him would be...........yes that's right.....you made a child with this woman for whatever reason........this grown up child has a right to want to know the other person who made her....and why not? I did...........I was disappointed in the answers I got and also, my little fairy tale came to a stumbling halt to realize that I came from a family of lying and cheating drunks instead of a real father who could guide me through life.
DeleteFortunately, Jenn, we did have a right to search for our answers. Unfortunately though we don't always find the answer we would hope for. In my case for instance, too many young girls got pregnant by either sailors passing through with promises of a good life or just a guy looking to get laid that night while he was out cheating on his wife like in my story. We go through life wishing and hoping for a better ending to our story and instead we find absentee fathers who are hoping their dirty little secrets stay hidden or don't care either way.
In the aftermath, us little orphans go through life wondering why we didn't deserve better in life. I know now it's not a question of deserving or not but more a question of............what are you going to do with all this now Jenn??? You are going to stand up, look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself how far you have come from that 2nd grader who failed at hanging herself in the closet, to this amazing young woman you are today..........I'm now 65 and still struggling with demons from my past and wishing things were different with my own daughter but at least I can say........Yes I tried, and tried and tried some more.
part 2.....
DeleteYou can only do your best Jenn and the people who will care about you will be the people who will appreciate you for the efforts you have made in the past and at present. By the time I knew who my father was, he had died.......I found out that he cheated on his wife and I have a sister who is about 6 months older than me. When I went to meet that family, she was in prison. It scared me a bit and told me to let go of that part of my life and that if I am not with that family, it's for a good reason even if I didn't see it at the time.
You can build your own fairy tale life. Be your own best friend. Be the parent to yourself that you would have loved to have in the past. Your father is not rejecting YOU. He is rejecting the past and everything that had to do with that past. Honestly, it was wrong of your mother to tell you she tried to get rid of you. But then again, I have done things less than that and my daughter barely talks to me. So I guess it says that we can't measure one pain with another. Each person's pain is the worst she or he has ever gone through.
To you sweet Jenn, we have never met but I do hope and wish the best for you. Don't wait till you are 65 to start realizing things. Go to therapy, take care of your sweet self, work on letting go of things you can't change. We couldn't chose our parents but we can choose how we want to be from now on. Sincerely and with respect, Marie.