Why so Public?

"You're making this a public issue again. Why?" 

I am sure some of you have asked that question after reading my blog and hearing my story.  I asked myself that before I hit the 'publish' button.  The answer is simple...because I wanted to. 

Does that make me selfish? Maybe to some.  
Does that make me a bad person? No, I don't think so.  

A wise lady told me that he reacted this way because he didn't have the control in this situation.  I pondered her statement and replied, 

"But, he does have the control..."

With an eyebrow raised she replied, "No, actually, you do. You're in control. You declined further news interviews.  You choose to think of his family and their feelings before your own when you took everything offline, even though you had no definitive answers.  You could have went public with all the information you had and he knew this but YOU made the decision not to do so.  You have the control. You still do.  
Have you considered blogging?"  

That was my light bulb moment.  I never lost control of my life.  I have had the control this entire time.  I just allowed myself to be so consumed by the reaction of this man that I never took the time to realize the position I was in.  

Let's rewind, shall we. 

I never got the DNA proof that this man was my biological father.  Everything lined up as far as his name, him being in that area at the time I was conceived, the band he played in,  etc. etc. etc.  He never admitted that he was my father nor did he say he had any inclination that I existed.  If this wasn't him, then I would have to have another serious discussion my mother.   However, when I spoke to this gentleman, he gave me some medical history of HIS family because that's what I was most curious about learning from my biological father or his family.  (Why would anyone volunteer this information unless they felt there was a possibility they were the father.) As I mentioned previously, he told me he would call me back in a week. 

I never received another call from him.  He got his wish. I went radio silent...because HE ASKED ME TO!  Even though I questioned whether or not stopping my search completely would hinder me from finding him should this man not be the man I was looking for.   

How is this fair to me?  This whole time I've been giving respect and loyalty to a man that I've never met.  That made me feel as though I was a horrible human being.  What about me?  What about my children?  How is it fair to US? 

So, back to the question at hand,  I'm making this public because I want to.  I don't feel like I owe him or anyone else any sort of explanation.  This is solely for me to deal with the pain I've been dealing with and through this blog I may be able to help others in some way.   I've already had private messages with people pouring their hearts out.  I know what it's like to keep things so bottled up that you shut the world away....and push those away that love you.  I have done just that over the last 6 months.  So, if someone feels like they can reach out to me and I can be that shoulder to them, because they feel a connection to my story, WONDERFUL!  Without pain there would be no compassion. 

I may never get the answers that I want and that's going to be something I have to accept.  I know one thing for sure, I will not let this define who I am and take away my joy any longer. 

Until Next Time...